energy medicine

My Soul returning

There is something I want to share with you, a beautiful but strange experience I have had.

In September 2016, I had to have emergency surgery. Although I am a doctor myself and knew what was going to happen, I was naturally upset and stressed. I was absolutely sure I didn't want to receive any opioids (morphine-like substances) so I told about everyone who came near to me prior to the procedure. While I was induced the anesthesiologist said: "We will see what we are going to do about the opioids. I wasn't able to talk anymore and protest, and the last thing I remember was her saying that I went into cardiac arrhythmia.

When I woke up I was sedated with opioids. I felt very violated. The rest of that night I suffered from severe tachycardia (speeding heart) until the early morning hours.

After surgery, I wasn't recovering. I felt completely exhausted, and severe burnout was diagnosed. I was so tired, I couldn't walk, talk or sometimes even breathe. At one moment I felt so lifeless, I thought that I might be dying. The thought somehow didn't scare me, and that realization scared me the most. I was literally left without any life energy in my body.

In the weeks after I suffered from tachycardia a few times, every time it started while I was resting. I was taken to the hospital and they couldn't find the cause, other than probably stress. The cardiologist and I figured it was probably a common stress-induced re-entry tachycardia. Nothing too worrying. At least, I felt at ease with it.

Fast forward to a few weeks later. I was slowly recovering and felt a bit more energized. One night I was in my bed and my heart began racing again. I decided not to fight it or focus on my breathing. Instead, I focussed on my heartbeat, racing at 160 bpm. Suddenly I felt very sad and anxious. When I focussed on those emotions, I suddenly sensed something in the room. It was at my right side, near the window. I couldn't really understand what it was at first but after a while, I started sensing that it was related to me somehow. I asked it to come closer and then I suddenly realized it was my Soul... I don't know how, I just knew, with absolute certainty. I was crying and telling Her that it was safe now. That the threats were over, that my body was safe now. And right after that, I felt a shift, my Soul entered my body in my heart space. It was a violent motion but without pain and immediately after my heart stopped racing and a very calm and peaceful feeling came over me. I held my heart for a bit and drifted away into a deep dreamless sleep.

I am still speechless about what happened and have no clue. I don't even have the right words to search for similar experiences on the internet. To me, it was like my Soul entering my body after a few weeks of absence. I think She left me right before surgery, feeling very threatened as my body was abused, cut, taken over by medication and pain. Since Her return, I didn't experience any more arrhythmia episodes. I feel my energy coming back and my compass isn't spinning anymore.

I never thought this would be possible. I have read about dissociative disorders/phenomena and I'm familiar with gentle dissociation myself as a coping mechanism. But this was different. It reminded me of Outer Body Experiences (OBE) but then consciousness travels away, to a place somewhere outside the body. In my case, I (my consciousness awareness) was still in my body but instead, my Soul had left...

I'm really glad She is back to guide me. She is my connection to the Universe, to the Energy of Life. I can't live without Her. I nearly died while She was away.

Do you have similar experiences? Please share in my closed FB group! I'd like to hear about it. 

Screaming silence

Many positive things can be found about meditation and its effects, in fact so many that it seems to be the solution to everything. But for me, it wasn’t, not naturally, when I ran into a complete burnout. I wanted to meditate and tried many times but I couldn’t do it when I got stuck and it became an impossible task when I was in the depths of the abyss.
The months prior I felt that something needed to happen and I tried to calm myself with meditation attempts. What I didn’t know was that I was already so stressed out that being still in meditation caused the volcanic pressure to rise and overwhelm me. Yoga and relaxation exercises drove me crazy due to the anxiety and stress that came to the surface, causing the opposite to happen. I found myself in a chaotic mind, my thoughts sounded like 6 symphonic orchestras playing in dissonance, a cacophony of noise. I felt like a total failure ‘who couldn’t even meditate’ and I began to skip my weekly yoga classes to prevent myself from going down the vortex of chaos.

When I had to have emergency surgery, the carefully strutted house of cards came down. My body forced me to a stop and for a few weeks, I was only a shadow of myself.

Now, 3 months later, the physical signs of my completely disrupted stress-system are subsiding, and I was able to pick up simple daily activities. I now meditate daily, to tune into myself, feel my body, experience my emotions. This is of great value because I am able to connect to my feelings and act on them. To set boundaries, or allow things to happen, to rest or do something. So much is happening inside of me at this moment that I can’t even begin to describe it all. After 2,5 year in survival mode, it’s so freeing to be connected to my body, my intuition, my emotions. Some things are a recognition of something I once had and lost, other experiences are new and a beautiful discovery. What opened the door to improvement is meditation.

It is not easy for me to explain how my brain went into overdrive every time I put my body in a resting state. What is do know is that it is really important is to be gentle and soft. The system experience disruption, don’t make it worse by overwhelming yourself with something new or strenuous. When you start yoga or meditation or you come back to these practices after a long time or in a state of confusion or overstimulation, be nice to yourself. Don’t practice for too long, 15-20 minutes at most. When you bring awareness to your body it will begin to tell you what is wrong, sometimes it’s traumatic to feel all those things all of a sudden. Remember to be gentle and loving towards yourself and to ease down your practice. Start with 5 minutes of meditation when 15 is too much. Don’t go to a full yoga class but practice just one or two poses for 10 minutes and go from there.

Meditation, yoga and other spiritual practices are possible and provide healing, although sometimes you have to go through the chaos first.